Shame prevents us from fulfilling the purpose God has for our lives. It cripples our effectiveness for the Kingdom and steals our hope in Christ. There’s nothing the enemy would like more than a steady, comfortable stream of shame in our lives. In the first week of this podcast series, we discussed the origin of shame. In week two of What’s the Matter with Me, we explored how shame manifests itself in our lives.
Although not posted in this blog, my colleagues and I continued the series with two episodes highlighting the unhealthy ways we deal (or cope) with shame. You can find these episodes on your favorite podcast app. They deal with the false solutions of denial and self-improvement (yes; that one sounds good, but it’s very dangerous in overcoming shame). I encourage you to listen to both. You may not think you need them, but remember, the very definition of denial is someone who doesn’t know they’re in denial.
But today I want to focus on the real answer to overcoming shame in your life. Today we’ll offer five questions you can ask yourself to identify and overcome shame.
As we’ve explained in the previous posts, the difference between shame and guilt is that guilt says, “Something I did was bad,” but shame says, “I am bad.” Guilt is regret for something you’ve done. Shame is regret for who you are.
In the last two episodes of the What’s the Matter with Me podcast series, my regular co-hosts and fellow care pastors, Gene Beckner and Doug Wildman joined me to discuss questions we can ask ourselves to identify and overcome a shame-based identity.
FIVE QUESTIONS TO IDENTIFY AND OVERCOME SHAME
1. Am I approaching my past with true faith or religion?
This first question took an entire episode to explore. Faith may seem like the obvious answer to our shame, but religion can mask a deep and healing relationship with Jesus Christ. The power of the Holy Spirit is the answer to overcoming our shame, but many people have come to me as a pastor and said, “I keep asking God to fix this, but nothing is happening.” Now, I have to clarify one point: God will sometimes let us go through trials, but He NEVER wants us to feel shame. So if we’re still drowning in shame, we may be substituting religion for relationship. How can we truly seek Christ in our healing? You can further explore that question in the podcast recording below.
Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
(John 1:12-13 NIV)
Christ is the ultimate answer to our shame-based identity because He’s the only one that can offer us a new identity. He makes us into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) as He adopts us as His children. But we sometimes resist that transformation. So we explored four additional questions to help us on that journey in the final episode of the podcast series. You can listen to the audio here and read a summary of the questions below the audio link.
2. Is my value based on my actions or are my actions based on an understanding of my value?
This question helps us identify shame in our lives. If we’ve based our value on what we accomplish, we will always come up short. We will never be enough. This happens when we’re trying to overcompensate for the shame of our past with good deeds. Unfortunately, we can never do enough to overcome the lies we believe about ourselves. Evaluate your motives for serving others. It can be a difficult question to ponder honestly, but do you try to bring value to your life by serving others or do you serve out of gratitude for the value God already sees in you?
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
(1 Peter 2:9, emphasis added)
3. Do I ALWAYS feel conflict is my fault (or is it ALWAYS someone else’s fault)?
Both questions reveal a shame-based identity because your conflict perspective is skewed. As Christians, we’re called to take responsibility for our actions and lovingly hold our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable for theirs. But if your initial response to conflict always results in immediate condemnation of yourself, you’re responding through the wounds and false beliefs of your past. I’m not talking about what your mind tells you, but what’s in your gut. In this case, you’re probably well aware of your shame. If, on the other hand, you always blame others and never take responsibility, you’ve likely become defensive because of your past. This behavior is still rooted in a shame-based identity, but it’s covered by a cloak of denial.
Realizing our view of conflict is seen through the lens of a broken perception can help us take the first steps toward healing.
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…
(James 5:16 NLT)
4. Do I believe God is mad at me?
Do you feel you disappoint God? This is a good way to test your answer to question one. When we act out of religious obligation rather than relationship, we’re constantly concerned with whether we’ve done enough to please God. But He didn’t call us to a life of fear. We should revere His holiness and even tremble at His glory, but God didn’t redeem us to a life of condemnation. He adopted us into a life of forgiveness. Yes, God will convict us of our sin, but don’t confuse conviction with anger. When the Holy Spirit convicts us about something, it’s God reaching His hand out to deliver us from the muck and mire we’ve wandered into. If you’re constantly wondering if you’ve done enough to please God, I encourage you to listen to the first recording above or watch the Sunday message God allowed me to share at Brookwood Church this summer called, God’s Promise.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
(Romans 8:1-2 NLT)
So what if I’ve taken this test, and I didn’t do so well? What if I’ve uncovered a shame-based identity? If that’s the case, ask yourself the last question:
5. Am I willing to learn how to experience God’s thoughts toward me rather than my own?
When shame enters our identity, it affects how we see the world, ourselves, and even God. So we’re incapable of finding our own path back to a healthy, Christ-centered self image. We see everything backwards. We run toward things that are unhealthy to make us feel better and flee from the people and things that will encourage us.
The only way we can overcome a shame-based identity is to claim our identity in Christ. We say we want to do that, but we’re unable to respond to His offer of grace because we can only see ourselves through the lies of this broken world.
Are you willing to LEARN how to see yourself as God sees you? We use the word “learn” because it’s a process. You must examine the lies you believe about yourself by confronting difficult memories and allow God to speak truth into the lies you believe about those memories. You must become willing to surrender the false identity you’ve clung to and experience God’s love—not an intellectual or well read understanding of His love, but a true experience of His grace.
We learn to see this world and ourselves through God’s eyes by doing three simple (but difficult) things:
- Get connected to a group of believers who aren’t afraid to take their mask off, reveal their own brokenness, and encourage you to do the same.
- Continually seek someone you trust (a mature Christian, pastor, Christian counselor, Celebrate Recovery partner) to guide your discussions with God and challenge your false beliefs. Here’s a hint: The right person is the one who will say, “If that feels true to you, let’s ask God,” rather than “You don’t have to feel bad about that. Just move on.”
- Most importantly, spend time with God asking Him difficult questions about your worldview and then listen for His answer.
God has promised to heal our broken pasts and renew us. We need only become willing to be willing.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
(Psalm 34:4-5 (NIV)
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I’ve believed in God, my whole life. I’ve always believed Jesus died and rose again on the third day. But for years now I have struggled with the thought that Jesus is pretty disgusted with me and disappointed with me (whenever I read him rebuking his disciples for not having enough faith, I guess I interpret that as him shaming them, and I think if he felt that disappointment with them, how much more so with me). Growing up, I was taller than everybody else, and had an exaggerated overbite (that later got fixed with surgery). But I would get made fun of mercilessly starting in fifth grade onward. Even into my 20s people would make jokes about me looking like a horse. The message I consistently received from my peers was that I don’t belong and how dare I even presume that I fit in or that I was normal. So now as an adult (and with a whole lot of sin that I am painfully aware of), when I consider letting my guard down and being vulnerable with God and trying to believe what everybody else is telling me that he’ll accept me, and that he won’t spit me out of his mouth or say “I never knew you”, it’s really hard for me to trust. It’s only within the last few days that I realized all of my issues with trusting God that I’m saved, and that he loves me, and that Jesus is actually not disgusted with me – all of it comes from shame that was put in me at a very young age. That’s actually how I came across this article. Any thoughts/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Great questions, Joshua. I especially liked, “Am I approaching my past with true faith or religion?”
I think that’s such an important question. We get drawn into routines and our relationship with God can suffer if we let the routine become religion rather than dedication to our love for Him. Thanks so much for your comment, Debbie.
Great post
Thank you, Jimmie.
Wow! This is loaded with such thought-provoking information that points us toward healing found only in Jesus. To be honest, I know I need some extended time with the Lord on a few of these questions. I’m glad you included the podcast. I’ll check that out later.
Thank you!
You tackled some tough questions so many people need to deal with. Even those who have conquered some of these feelings can still be attacked by the enemy with those thoughts. Thanks for spending the time it took to address these conflicts.
These are some really good questions to spend some time exploring in God’s word. What does He say about who I am.
Pastor Joshua, thank you for continuing to wisely handle this very difficult subject. I think these questions are powerful and as J.D. said, require honesty. I grew up believing God was waiting for me to be perfect so that He could love me but of course, never met that expectation. So I beat myself over the head spiritually-speaking and kept trying harder. I’m so grateful God brought me to Himself when I was 18 and heard the great news of Jesus taking care of it all himself. October 1st, 1967, I began a new life and of course, am still learning to fight old lies. I’m sure Joshua you are ministering to us all but especially to others like me who were filled with shame at early ages. Thank you.
I’m so moved by your comment, Kathy. Imagine the celebration that took place among the angels on October 1, 1967 as they cheered for the victory Christ claimed in your life! Thank you for sharing a piece of your story. Shame and isolation are two of the greatest weapons our enemy uses. I’m so thankful we can come together and encourage one another in God’s truth.
This series has been very meaningful for me, Pastor Joshua. You’ve asked hard questions, but doing this self-examination brings us closer to our Lord. Thank you for making me think deep.
You’re welcome, Katherine. I appreciate your encouraging words and I’m so grateful to hear the series has been helpful to you. These are indeed difficult questions, and they’re questions I need to ask myself.
Thank you for these thought-provoking questions, Joshua, as well as for explaining the difference between “guilt” and “shame.” Number two question, “Is my value based on my actions or are my actions based on an understanding of my value?” gave me the most to ponder. Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome, Julie. Understanding the difference between “guilt” and “shame’ is vital to our spiritual growth. I too struggle with question two. It is difficult to resist sliding into a works-based mentality.
I do tend to think I must have done something wrong.
I see where that is “shame based thinking” and also performance based.
My church background was very rule oriented, so we always heard what NOT to DO because that would make us “bad.” Doing what was considered the RIGHT thing to DO and make us “good.” I never heard about a personal relation with a God who loved me.
It wasn’t until I went to a non-denominational church that I began to learn different things.
Dawn, Thank you for your honest comment. Many of us had that same experience in the church. Sadly, it more closely resembles the legalism of the Pharisees than the good news of God’s grace. I’m so grateful God is freeing you from that hurt.
All hard questions Pastor Joshua, but to answer them honestly takes courage. Number four is especially difficult for me because I do believe that sometimes God is disappointed in me. Does He love me? Absolutely. Am I forgiven when I repent? You bet; there’s no doubt. Do I sometimes see Him leaning over to His Son, my Savior, and asking “Jesus, what do we have to do for him to finally learn this?” Now perhaps my disappointment is my own, but I sure don’t like it when I let Abba down. Am I ashamed of my failures? I can’t be, I’m human yet. Do I hope to fail Him and fail myself less as I grow in my faith? You bet! Great series sir. Thank you so much!
I know it can feel like we disappoint God, but He is not surprised by our failures. Even though He saw every fall and every stumble, He chose to create us, love us, and choose us. He delights in us. I have a hard time grasping that. Why would He delight in me when I fail so often? In those moments when we feel disappointment in ourselves, it’s helpful to go before God and ask Him for a greater perspective–a deeper understanding of His love for us. That doesn’t mean we don’t strive to obey and do better, but that should come from a place of gratitude rather than condemnation. I am so very thankful for your honest comment, J.D. I value your humble spirit and desire to serve our Father. Thank you, brother.