Are you living with daily shame? Sometimes we operate from deep-seated shame and don’t even recognize it. Last week we discussed the origin of shame, but how does the shame Adam felt (Genesis 3:7) affect the shame I feel every day? How does shame manifest itself in our lives? How does it appear?
As I mentioned last week, the difference between shame and guilt is that guilt says, “Something I did was bad,” but shame says, “I am bad.” It’s an identity issue. Guilt is regret for something you’ve done. Shame is regret for who you are. When shame enters our identity, it affects how we see the world, ourselves, and even God.
To overcome shame in our lives, we must first acknowledge how it got there.
In the second episode of the What’s the Matter with Me podcast series, I’m joined by my regular co-hosts and fellow care pastors, Gene Beckner and Doug Wildman as we discuss 3 ways shame appears in our lives.
1. We’re told our actions make us bad
There’s a big difference between telling a child stealing a cookie is bad and telling them they’re bad because they took a cookie. We do the same thing with adults. It may not seem like a big difference, but it can affect how we see ourselves for a lifetime. We learn to stop separating who we are from what we do. Don’t get me wrong. We need to be held accountable for our actions. But we will never overcome our bad behavior if we believe we’re incapable of change because we ARE what we’ve done. The greatest way to find victory over our sin in Christ is to see ourselves the way Christ sees us, not the way some people see us through our mistakes.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8:1-2 NLT)
2. The culture of our emotional experiences.
Every family has a different emotional culture. Some say it’s not okay to cry. Other families teach their children you should never get angry. Maybe you grew up in a home where it wasn’t okay to express pain. This can also happen with adults. What if you’re in a work environment where it’s not safe to report harassment? Some people find themselves in social circles where you must agree with everyone else in the group or you’re mocked and rejected. Here’s the problem. We do get sad. We do get angry. We do have pain, and we do have feelings. These environments not only lead to stuffing our emotions in an unhealthy way, but they lead to a shame-based identity because we’ve been taught our natural emotions make us a bad person. So every time we have an emotion, we spiral further into our shame. But God designed us to express our emotions.
For everything there is a season… A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 NLT)
Our emotions don’t make us bad. They make us human and Christ-like. The only warning of Scripture is to never sin in our emotions and to not let our emotions rule us (See Ephesians 4:26-27).
3. Taking on the shame of others.
Sometimes the actions of others cause us to have a shame-based identity; the son takes on the sins of the father, a spouse feels shame for the actions of their husband or wife, someone who’s suffered abuse takes on the shame of their attack. These are circumstances where we take ownership of the negative behaviors of others—even when there’s nothing we could do to stop it. This usually leads to a life of perfectionism, trying to prove we’re better than the sin that was perpetrated against us. The best way to overcome this kind of shame is to look toward Christ rather than the one who hurt you. Can you see yourself through His eyes rather than the person who mistreated you? They may not have seen your value, but God does.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. (Psalm 34:4-5 ESV)
As a teacher, I learned the importance of having high expectations for my students. The opposite side of the coin, of course, is having low expectations and that happens frequently. The “self-fulfilling prophecy,” we called it. If we didn’t expect much from our students, we didn’t get much. It’s similar to believing that we’re not good or worthy (filled with shame). We come to believe that we are bad and then our actions show that we are. It becomes a tragic cycle. I looked forward to this week’s post, since I was so moved by last week. Many of us have lived through the ongoing pain of shame. And, even now, we need the reminder of God’s faithful love. Thank you.
Katherine, I’m so grateful for your comments and to hear you were looking forward to this post. You are absolutely right about the self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact, we discuss that in the podcast audio above. I really appreciate your obvious heart for children and making sure they see themselves through the lens of God’s love for them. May we all take steps to keep children out of that terrible cycle.
I love this! I believe that shame has no place in our lives…at all. But, it’s easy to let one action or behavior color how we see the entire person, both someone else and ourselves.
That’s a great observation. Thank you.
You are so right, K.A. The way we see the world is tainted by our negative experiences. That’s why it’s so important to seek God’s perspective.
Great insights Josh! My husband grew up in a family where he was taught a “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” mentality, which causes some friction with us sometimes. I know there are plenty of things I need to ask help for, but many times he sees that as a weakness. Sometimes that can feel like shaming, although I don’t think he intentionally does it.
Thank you for sharing that, Carol. I think a lot of us have been raised like your husband and it becomes deeply ingrained in our thinking. The truth is, there is vulnerability and even weakness in admitting we need help, but God works through our weakness to do great things. He said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in [your] weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV), but we need to embrace and accept those weaknesses so we can surrender them to God. I’m so grateful for your honest and transparent comment. May the Lord encourage you.
Love your post. As a wife of a husband in recovery for addiction, we work to live this reality. My husband is not the sum of all his mistakes, past, present or future. His identity is as a child of God, not a list of his sins.
Thanks for posting.
Amen, Stephanie. That’s so true. When I attend Celebrate Recovery, I introduce myself by saying, “I’m a grateful follower of Jesus Christ who struggles with a sinful attitude toward food.” We use that introduction because our identity is in Christ–not our struggle. I am not my food issues. I’m a child of the God most high who happens to have a struggle. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story. I couldn’t agree more.
Something I’ve been thinking and praying over since your first post on this topic last week is this Pastor Joshua. My thoughts have been that “Guilt is in the present tense/time and Shame is in past tense/history.” Since God removes and forgets my transgressions once repented of and His forgiveness granted, I am inclined not to allow shame to control my thoughts. As a dear work friend used to tell me years ago; “Don’t let things take up space in your mind that don’t pay you no rent.” (Thanks Mr. Ron Langietti)
Thank you, J.D. (and thanks to Mr. Langietti, as well). Your right that God has forgiven and forgotten our transgressions. I think the problem is that we don’t. We need to learn to live in the freedom we’ve been offered by Christ rather than allowing shame to hold us back from feeling His grace. Nothing can lessen His forgiveness, but we can look away from it. I think the advice your friend gave is perfect, because the rent WE pay for having shame live in us is way to high. Blessings.